I'm going crazy, aren't I?

I am sick. I am sure it's something the kids came home with, but here I sit with chills AND hot/cold flashes as I have had since the week after surgery. My skin isn't crawling...I swear it's melting off. I have such a throbbing pain on my right pelvic scar area, and it's radiating up and down...from my hips to my knees. But I don't want to tell anyone. I don't want to bother Joe...he's already worried enough.

I hate this feeling. I hate it. I feel less than human. My dignity is gone.

Symptoms to date

These are some symptoms womem suffering from PTLS report. To date I  have experienced those that are bolded. Keep in mind I am not 6 weeks out from surgery.

1. Eptopic pregnancy or pregnancy (well known risk of tubals)
1a.Hot flashes, flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes, clammy feeling, chills
2. Bouts of rapid heart beat
3. Irritability
4. Mood swings, sudden tears
5. Trouble sleeping through the night (with or without night sweats)
6. Irregular periods; shorter, lighter periods; heavier periods, flooding; phantom periods, shorter cycles, longer cycles
7. Loss of libido
8. Dry vagina
8a.Itchy vagina-at times raw like, can radiate from whole area, with absence of yeast infections.
8b.Colour change in vaginal area. (colour gets darker – purple/black)
9. Crashing fatigue
10.Anxiety, feeling ill at ease
11.Feelings of dread, apprehension, doom12.Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion
13.Disturbing memory lapses
14.Incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing; urge incontinence
14a.Prolapse of uterus due to rapid decreases in estrogen levels.
15.Itchy, crawly skin
16.Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons
17.Increased tension in muscles
18.Breast tenderness
18a. Decrease in breast mass
19.Headache change: increase or decrease
20.Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea
21.Sudden bouts of bloat
22.Depression
23.Exacerbation of existing conditions24.Increase in allergies
25.Weight gain
26.Hair loss or thinning, head, pubic, or whole body; increase in facial hair
27.Dizziness, light-headedness, episodes of loss of balance
28.Changes in body odour
29.Electric “shock” or “stabbing” sensation under the skin.
30.Tingling in the extremities
31.Gum problems, increased bleeding
32.Burning tongue, burning roof of mouth, bad taste in mouth, change in breath odour
33.Osteoporosis (after several years)
34.Changes in fingernails: softer, crack or break easier.


painful sex

The Check Up

Yep. I was right.

So, I ended up with shots on either side of my scar (lidocain) to help with the pain. She said that the bleeding issue was related to the tubal (yay for getting one thing explained). But everything else was either because I'm still post partum, or because it was a c section. *sigh* She understood where I was going with a reversal, and understood. She suggested an IUD to help with the type of bleeding I have. My point is why have a tubal just to have birth control anyway?

But she was very caring and I appreciated her time.

I just feel deflated. I can't explain it at all.

Tomorrow is the day

Tomorrow will be the day that I go for my post partum check up. I will go in, be told how great I'm doing, and then I will have to summon the courage that I don't have, and tell the dr. that something's not right. For the depression/anxiety, I'll be referred to a shrink (ok. I can accept that). For the vaginal symptoms, I"ll be told that it's because I'm nursing, and for the pelvic pain...well, I'm post partum. I'm going to ask if there's a dr. in the Orlando area that does reversals. I'm hoping I get a yes.

But if I don't, I have already made my mind up. I'm going to Chapel Hill.

I'm afraid of getting cleared to go to work. It's my anxiety about leaving Hannah, to be sure, but it's more than that. I'm going to have to start learning how to live with this pain. The pain I get after being on my feet for a little bit is going to have to be normal. I'm going to have to start living with the daily cramping. And I'm going to have to leave my little girl.

So What is Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome?

No, it's not just regret. It's more than that. It's a very real...very physical result of messing with what God gave ya.

I am not a dr., nor do I play one on t.v. I am just a mom who, before a tubal ligation, didn't have flashes of hot or cold. My skin didn't crawl. I didn't have such big knots to the side of my section scars that you can feel them. My back didn't have the type of pain I have now. I haven't 'ovulated' per se, I don't think, but I cramp ALL the time. I will say this: I do suffer from anxiety and depression. But they have been greatly impacted (yes, probably due to being post partum, but still). My post birth bleeding is REALLY out of step with what I've experienced 5 times before.

Now, why don't I just go to a dr.? Well, first, I'll be told that I'm post partum and these things take time. I agree, but this is NOT post partum stuff! Or I'll be told I'm 36 and it will take time for my body to recover. Or that this was my third section (excuse me. I know people who've had more than three and they don't feel this way!!!). Or that I need meds (I do, but that's NOT what's causing this). Or I'll be told a million other things....and I'm not ready to deal with that part of it yet.

Do you remember that episode of Golden Girls where Dorothy is suffering from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome but can't get anyone to listen?

Why a tubal ligation?

This is a loaded question. I can only relate my story.

I am Catholic, and DO still think that I have messed with God's will. But, I am also the mommy to two little boys that were taken from me. One was born still, and the other was anencephalic, meaning that his brain and part of his skull never developed. I wasn't planning on becoming pregnant again when we did. But we got pregnant, and my anxieties were out of control. I liked the idea of being able to be with my husband without regarding pregnancy, so I did it. I gave in.

Keep in mind that for years my Mom (may she rest in peace) and other maternal figures, were telling me that the best thing they ever did was get their tubes tied. It was great! Even the Catholic ones. They all convinced me that Catholic women do it and just don't talk about it.

So I did it. My regret started the day after.

Introduction

My name is Heather. I am 36 years old, and I am blessed to be the wife to a wonderful man. He's given me 6 children, 4 of whom have feet. Two, our boys, are so perfect that they got to go Home before birth. I had our last little girl 5 weeks ago. I had my tubes 'tied' while I was having a c section. That is where my journey began.

I haven't been on this journey for long, but it's already been a hard road. My body has been forever changed because of the choice I made to end my fertility that day. This blog is going to be my outlet for my inner frustration and sadness, and it will stand as a record of my journey towards a tubal reversal.

Please note that not everyone believes in something calls Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome. If yu don't believe that a woman can be affected by choosing to end her fertility by cutting off blood supply to a part of her body and halting the hormones needed to keep her system in check, then don't read.

If however, you are planning on a ligation, or also feel that you have been affected by your tubal ligation, please read and add.

:)